(1) When you come home and she’s made an effort to cook; my dear monsieur, even if that’s not what you have an appetite for, eat it quickly, ask for more and offer your gratitude. Teach it to your children too. It’s the first point of helping them to appreciate mothers and women. Abeg, don’t complain about the plenty pepper, or salt or whaleva. If you must, do it days later when you are all laughing at something, then drop it – “Abena, hmm I hear last Tuesday the salt sellers were many at the market” – she gets it. Move on.
(2) Sometimes she just wants someone to talk to. Forget about the fact that she cuddled you, sat on your lap (only for license holders please) etc – it doesn’t always mean she’s inviting you for action. Keep your SNAKE in the cage or control your Agama Lizard (whichever one you have) – she just wants to talk intimately for long hours to satisfy her need for true companionship. Talk to her. Even if you have nothing to say – listen with rapt attention and occasionally repeat the point she made. That’s one BIG thing women need – companionship. The good thing is she does all the talking anyway and if you want to score more marks, turn off the phone or TV so she see’s that she has your full attention. In fact, make time once a week to turn off everything and just be hers – even if for a full hour – it will do you wonders.
(3) My brother, I beg you: don’t ever think you know your woman better than she’s known herself for 20+ years before you met her OK. If you do that, you will be branded a Malafaaka! Do what is honorable and beneficial to your relationship – ASK her exactly what is the BEST way she wants to be loved, or pleased, etc – it doesn’t make you less of “the man” – to her, you asking is even a POINT in your credit. It doesn’t mean you have to be asking everyday ooo. Abeg, you are not a muumu! Figure some of it out yourself.
(4) Please do not get married with the mindset that you and her will foot it 50:50. No, that’s like taking a woman from her father’s house and forcing her to look after herself. My brother, learn from Abraham, Isaac and Jacob eh!! Genesis says she is to be a “help meet” NOT a laborer. When it comes to childbearing, will you also share it 50:50? Just asking! It also doesn’t mean to condone a lazy woman. That one na Walahii. But as long as she is helping make the home stand in whatever capacity – acknowledge her. Better still, help her realize her own dreams within the bigger family version.
(5) Please! Please! Please! Before you get locked in, DON’T paint to her, an image of a life you know you can’t give her. Show her exactly what it will be, and not what you are fantasizing it to be. Please don’t base the vision you sell to her on raw FAITH. If you do, you will soon see, very bitterly, that there are 50 shades of FAITH.
(6) Do a lot together before the babies come. Create a lot of exciting memories together before the children start coming. Travel, enjoy yourselves, do new things, share bliss. Believe me, when they come, they take over your lives and those memories are all you will have to sustain you both with sanity at least for the first few years of children coming. On hindsight now, I recommend new couples make a list of 20 exciting things to do together before babies come – AND DO THEM. You can still do them if you already have kids. It refreshes things la.
(7) My brothers, your “Authority in the home” does not mean she cannot speak. She has to speak – after all, you didn’t marry a muumu, did you?. Unless you wanna be like the “headmaster”. It doesn’t work. You’ll wear yourself down. This is what I think works – FOCUS on destiny. If anything will affect your destiny, the destinies of your wife and or children, then stand your grounds and be immovable like the rock of Gibraltar – everything else, let her win. She has to win some, believe me. It’s the only way YOU can win.
(8) Spiritually – always be the face of God to your family. Be determined that when your family sees you, they will better understand how God works with humanity. You may not always get it right – but be determined you will be the face of God they see daily.
(9) My Pastor, calls them “Unexpected Expectations” Be clear what your expectations are of your wife/woman. Don’t be quiet or “man about it” and expect it to be satisfied. Men, talk. She is your helper – tell her where and how you need the help most. Sister, please don’t also come into her life and start acting like a mother – he escaped one to cling to you.
(10) Be accountable. I fear a man who demands accountability but himself, is accountable to none. You get married doesn’t mean you don’t need a mentor anymore. That’s suicidal. Look, hold your woman/new wife by the hand, lead her and introduce her to the man or woman you listen to and will listen to. Yes, the man or woman she can speak to about you – when you start or ever misbehave. The thought of it does keep you in check most times.
I hope these add life to someone out there. I pray. I really do pray. Shalom!